09 January 2012

An Open Letter to Sean Bean

Inspired by both Death Star PR's open letter to NPH (which is legen--wait for it--dary) and my meanderings around Wal-Mart *time one, not time two*, I started thinking about how much I love Sean Bean.

This actually started Thursday. Talking to my beloved Jan about how Duality has no swoon-worthy men *that I know of*, I mentioned I could make one of the male characters younger. There's a problem, though. In my head, Kiefer has always been Sean Bean, and I find Sean Bean quite appealing.

In fact, if I win the writer lottery and get a movie deal, I want Sean Bean as Kiefer. (I know most of you have zero idea who Kiefer is. Someday, I hope all of you will.)

I'm ready to beg.

Dear Sean Bean,

I know you get this a lot, but I love you. Unlike most 20-something women, I was first introduced to your awesome via Goldeneye. Yes, I have a severe love of James Bond movies, campy though they are, but you... You, dear Mr. Bean, were able to steal my eyes away from Pierce Brosnan *even in a tux!* and keep them on you until you, inevitably, died.

In fact, you frequently portray characters who die. This is unfortunate.

And when your character dies, more often than not, he isn't the villain. This must change.

You see, Mr. Bean, you need to maintain a character who not only lives but also succeeds. One of your better runs was as Boromir. Three movies! Three! That's amazing!

But then you were given the tragic role of Ned Stark. I cried. I did. I love you that much. Also, Ned's an awesome character.

I have a proposition for you. Since the day I wrote in Kiefer, I saw you in that role. I heard the timbre of your voice in his dialog, saw your face in his. I knew you would be perfect to bring him to life. One caveat. You HAVE to be able to fake a French accent. This is imperative. As long as you can do that...

I would be honored to have you play Kiefer if ever Duality becomes a movie. Privileged. Overwhelmed, even. I have no idea about any other casting, but you, dear Mr. Bean, you would be perfect as my beloved Kiefer.

Would you? Please? I know the other books aren't written yet, but...but I want you to be Kiefer. You made National Treasure bearable (and you were also damn foxy). You are full of awesome. Please be my Kiefer.


Teri Anne Stanley said...

Oh, yeah. What you said.

julie fedderson said...

I cried when Ned was decapitated. You're right, he needs a role where he doesn't end up dying.

lexcade said...

It would be nice, wouldn't it? I adore this man and want him to have an awesome role where he's not the bad guy and doesn't die. <3x`

Alison Beightol said...

He is made of awesome. I always think of The Vicar of Dibley when I see pics of him.

Xakara said...

An Open Letter to Hollywood
RE: Sean Bean

Dear Hollywood,

We already had this conversation concerning Karl Urban, and you listened. I still appreciate Red and the reboot of Star Trek made me forgive you past Karl Urban sins. Now it's time to talk about Sean Bean.

I understand that even in movies, death should mean something. We should care about the non-villain death, and even the death of the villain when done right. To this end, you cast a man inspiring to look at and easy to care for over the course of ten to ninety minutes. I can appreciate that. But it's time for an intervention.

When Sean Bean graces your project with his presence, you must, again I say must, stop and consider the talent and magnetism you have on hand. Why squander this with senseless deaths, when you could let this treasure of an actor truly shine?

Sean was brilliant as Ned Stark, it was casting genius. But there are other roles in the sweeping Game of Thrones saga. You honestly couldn't pick a character who lived? Really?

Okay, fine, many of the people in that series that would be age appropriate aren't particularly likeable, I'll give you that. And even when he's about succumb to the darkside, as with Boromir, Sean Bean is intensely likeable. Fine, you have me there, but in general it's time to step up.

I'm sick and tired of wearing black to everything Mr. Bean is cast in, because I know his sudden, but inevitable death scene, is coming. Yes, I suppose it is better not being surprised.

(See: An Open Letter to Josh Whedon
RE: Wash? REALLY!!?)

But if you really want to surprise me, how about giving him a character that lives, gets the girl, (or the guy, or both), and lives happily ever after. I'm not saying he has to be the hero, but can't he at least be the hero's best friend who's in almost every scene, with a loving spouse at home and two adorable and brilliant children that openly love him dearly? That's not alot to ask.

Go have you board meeting and considering what I'm saying. You'll thank me for it later. Oh, and if you're pressed for what could possibly work short term, I'm sure there's a non-villain, lives a fulfilling life and perhaps even saves the galaxy, role in the upcoming Star Trek sequel. You can never go wrong with a science ficition redemption.


Future Script Writer and Life Long Novelist


lexcade said...

Alison, I think he's fantastical too. *le sigh* I want my own Sean Bean.

Xakara, that was effing brilliant. I'm in awe of your amazingness.

Tracy said...

LOL! That was probably my most favorite open letter ever!! Now you have me thinking about writing one to Chace Crawford.

And, no lie, the first thing I thought about when you talked about Sean was "why does he always have to die?". (Ned Stark: Broke. My. Heart.) Seriously, it's like his contract or something.

lexcade said...

Hahaha thanks, Tracy. Ned broke my heart too. I was all excited *because I hadn't read the book yet* that Sean was gonna be in a tv show and I'd have regular access to his awesome, but dammit, Martin! He had to be cast as the dead dude.

Actually, they killed off almost every hot dude on the show in one season. Thank god for Jon Snow.

Lisa Fox said...

That is an awesome letter Cate. He would be foolish not to take you up on your offer. And I agree, he is pretty damn foxy.

Tracy said...

I hadn't read the book either, at that point (have now finished the 2nd in the series so this doesn't happen again). And not only did they kill off Ned, but losing my beloved Drogo nearly killed me!

Yes, thank goodness for Jon Snow and Robb Stark...and I can't lie, I'm not exactly looking away when Jamie Lanister is on the screen either. He may be an ass, but he's a hot ass.

Phoenix Sullivan said...

Funny, he doesn't look French...

lexcade said...

I suppose he doesn't, but that doesn't make me love him less.