Adventures in Hospitality

Oh, that doesn't comprise an entire blog post. Sorry, guys.

I know it's been a while since I blessed you with adventures in hospitality. Honestly, most of them haven't been blog-worthy. Mostly people just being poops.

 But today, I have one for you.

First, some background:

We have a frequent guest, incidentally the queen of resting bitch face and attitude, who has requests that are probably not big deals for other hotel properties, but mine is speshul. My property doesn't have bath tubs in 99.999999999% of its king rooms. My property is dumb, but it's pretty, and we all know that's what counts.

So when Guest comes in, what does she want? A king room with a bathtub. Because of course she does. We found one room type that has them for sure, which is great. However, there are only 3 of that room type, which is not so great.

And today? All of those three rooms are filled.

That should be all the background you need to know.


Today, my coworker receives this phone call from Guest's Assistant, whom I'll lovingly refer to as Ass. With the period. You know, short for assistant.

Ass.: I'd like to confirm that [GUEST] has their particular room for check-in.

Coworker: Well, today, it appears that room is occupied, so [GUEST] will be in a different room.

Ass.: How long is that room occupied? When do they check out?

Coworker: Until the end of the week.

Ass.: Well, why was that room given to someone when it's already been requested?

Coworker: A request is not a guarantee.

Ass.: Can't you just move that other person?

Coworker: Uh, no.

Seriously. No. Just no.

I get having requests when you travel, but if you're the kind of person whose Ass. will ask us to move a person who's been checked in for days in order to accommodate your ONE NIGHT stay.

People.

Not so gentlemanly callers.

Y'all know how much I enjoy telling my hotel stories. I have two fabulous ones for you today. A couple of...interesting...phone calls.

So Friday night, my coworker answered the phone. On the other end was the completely hammered father of an 18-year-old girl. My coworker will be "A" and the caller will be "C."

C: A! Do you know my wife [first name]???

A: No, sir, I don't.

C: Are you sure?????

A: Yeah, I'm sure.

C: Really? The name [First name, Last name] doesn't ring a bell?

A: No sir, it doesn't.

C: Well that's okay. I just need someone to talk to me. I'm really drunk right now.

A: Um, well, I'm at work, so I can't really chat...

C: [irritated] Well fine! I'll just call my mom then! You're an asshole!"

A: [hangs up]

Yeah, dude. Go call your mom. Every parent wants to talk to her drunk child. Awesome.


But that's not all! Oh no. I have to share what happened with MY BOSS. Oh, this one's great. Boss will be "B" and caller will be "H" because HE was HORNY. Oh, it never fails to amuse....

B: Thank you for calling [hotel] this is, B. How may I assist you?

H: Hey, B! How are you today?

B: I'm doing well, sir, thank you. How are you?

H: Well, B, I actually have a BIG favor to ask you.

B: Okay....

H: You see, I'm horny. Think you can help me out with that?

B: Um, no thanks. Have a great day! [click]

So yes, next time you have unwanted advances from a horny person, just say, "No thanks! Have a great day." Politeness will confuse them and kill their buzz.