OK, so you remember that blogfest I wrote about a while back? Yeah. Well, it's here. SOOOOOOOO, that being typed, I guess I should post my query and not feel like a loser ;)
Here goes:
Dear Super-awesome Agent of my Dreams:
If Subject 31 could remember her life, she’s damn sure she’d want it back.
The Humani Project’s latest experiment believes she’s human, but after seeing her sleek black fur, claws, and tail, she’s not so sure. Her only clue to an existence before panther DNA was spliced to hers is a fragment of a memory and a name—Janelle.
Imprisoned in the Phoenix, Arizona lab, 31 must complete the grueling, and sometimes deadly, physical assessments administered by resident asshole Dr. Frederick James. Her failure means immediate termination. To survive, she must tame the wild animal that wants to take over—only she has no idea how. That ability wasn’t coded into her new DNA.
Then she fails one of the challenges. With termination looming in the form of a lab-made creature she was supposed to kill, she’s surprised that another doctor breaks protocol to save her. When he calls her “Janelle,” 31 understands that somehow the scientists have erased the existence of someone they knew. Someone who deserves to understand her fate.
The closer she gets to piecing together her past, the harder she has to fight to stay alive. Buried in her past is knowledge that could bring the Project to its knees, and Dr. James will do anything to protect the Project—including terminate its greatest success.
DUALITY is a science fiction novel complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Lexcade
5 comments:
Great job. Everything felt smooth and clear until this paragraph,
"Then she fails one of the challenges. With termination looming in the form of a lab-made creature she was supposed to kill, she’s surprised that another doctor breaks protocol to save her. When he calls her “Janelle,” 31 understands that somehow the scientists have erased the existence of someone they knew. Someone who deserves to understand her fate."
Starting with then she fails... seems like you are just repeating back a movie plot to a friend, maybe combine sentence one and two of the paragraph like so, "When she fails one of the challenges, termination looms in the form... then make everything after the next comma it's own sentence.
Also is the savior character who calls her Janelle important enough to name here or give a brief reason for his actions?
Wow, sounds like an awesome story! Love the opening and closing hooks, although I would probably rephrase the end to "even if it means terminating its greatest success" in place of "including terminate its greatest success".
I agree with Chris, the failing paragraph is a little less clear than the others. Other than that, this query is really good!
thanks, guys :) much appreciated!
You sounded so nervous about this query in this post. I'm not sure why. This is a great query.
Have you ever queried before? If not, you better start at the beginning of the year. You have a query that's definitely working here and a finished script.
Get on the Query Tracker, set up a bunch of agents and then start at the bottom of your list. Along the way you might get really good feedback that will help you wow the agents at the top of your list.
Best luck to you. Nicole had good advice on the one line but everything else would just be nit picky. This query is great!
OH I love query tracker!!!! I spend way too much time on the forums. I've been querying, but unfortunately the query I sent out wasn't nearly as good as this one. I'm up to 12 rejections and waiting on the 13th. I'm definitely going to start querying again after New Year's so I'll have time to revisit my ms and get it polished up. Thanks so much for commenting Patricia!
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